Living with Hormones. Surviving on Hormoans.

living with Hormones. Surviving with Hormones. A lighthearted look at those monthly hormones that plague the lives of women.

Hormones. You have to love the little buggers, don’t you? Let’s face it, they’re with us whether we like it or not. Bouncing around in their cute, fluffy playground. Crying, fragile, throwing tantrums, refusing to play ball and getting all upset. Twisting the swing round and round until they feel dizzy.  Becoming unbalanced because someone heavier sits on the see-saw.

Want to know my favourite of all hormones? The one that has plagued my adult life;

f-o-r-e-v-e-r?

PMT.

Pre-Menstrual Tension.

In the early days, PMT reared its ugly little gremlin head about 3 days before my period was due to start. As I have “matured’ this has gradually increased, and over the past few years, the gremlin that is PMT seems to be pushing its luck with me -making itself at home within my cycle. Stretching out for ten days or so, sometimes even longer. Hanging around to greet its new found friend, Peri-menopause. The two have quite a lot in common only PMT is younger and feistier, and Perimenopause is an old bag who gets hot a lot. Thankfully, I’m yet to make peri’s acquaintance entirely. Either way, they’re both intent on ruining my life.

The doctor seems to think there’s no such thing as PMS. Get some more fresh air he says. Get some rest. That’s it then. Bugger. Why didn’t I think of that? Never mind your bloody dinner, I’m having a sleep. Need driving to your flute lesson? Tough. I’m going for a walk.

I have a clear recollection of sitting upstairs in Woolworth’s cafe with my grandmother having a cup of tea and a 49p toasted teacake. Me, about 16 and her in her late 50s. She started telling me about the programme she’d seen on TV the night before about a lost cat or an orphan or something. I watched in horror as she actually started to cry while relaying it to me. Me,16. Oh my god woman get a grip. How embarrassing. Stop blubbing and go and ask for another butter portion for me will you? Unbelievable.

What goes around comes around, and now I am that woman. Crying at Facebook adverts. In fact, it’s worse than that. Today I went to the mailbox and found this.

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From Rural Post New Zealand. The letter that broke my heart.

I cried my eyes out at the bottom of the driveway for about ten minutes. How could they? How could the rural mail delivery people retire and leave me? What am I going to do? Honestly, you would have thought my life was over. Now, tell me that’s normal.

I have a friend (yes, that one) who professes to have never suffered from PMT. Not ever. Not even one little glass smash or f-word.

WTF? Get to the naughty step. In fact, no love, get on the naughty chair, put that chair in the naughty corner and sit there like the naughty girl that you are. No PMT. Phff. Silly girl. Little freak. Lucky cow.

I have spent the last couple of decades battling with this affliction.Can you call it that? Is it possible to fight against something that the doctor tells you is all in your head? Well, I’m going to say yes I think you can. I certainly have. And I bet you have too.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of remedies that I’ve undertaken to help ease the dreaded symptoms. I have tried e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, and I mean everything. Here are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

  • Evening Primrose (Gave me nice nails but I was still a cow)
  • Vitamin B6 (Helped me to sleep a bit better at night. Not such a tired cow)
  • More Exercise (sweaty cow)
  • Contraceptive pill.Every brand going. (2 Kids. Now I’m a cow to them.)
  • Meditation (Love this. But can’t spend my whole day sat in my room)
  • Progesterone cream (Brilliant for about 2 years. Still a cow, but only a little cow)
  • Cutting out wine (miserable cow)
  • Having a glass of wine (Nasty cow)
  • Fennel oil (Aniseed smelling, but nicer. A bit)
  • DIM Tablets (ongoing)

I went to the doctors again today. I’m not going to lie, he was a lovely man. In fact, I wanted to take him home and keep him under my pillow- which may give you an indication as to the state of my mind at present.

We talked about hormones. We talked about periods. He asked me what my symptoms were. I said what I always say; feeling moody, agitated. Not sleeping well for a couple of nights. Irritable. Blah, Blah, Blah. 30 years of it. I’m bored with you now Gremlin. I didn’t tell the doctor the truth for fear of him locking me up in a white room and never letting me see my family again. But I’m going to tell you the truth because I’m a psycho with head problems. So here you go. When someone suggests that PMS is all in your head, you say, f*ck off. Err hmm, get back Gremlin…No.You say,

Here’s what PMS looks like:

  1. Even though you spend 20 minutes plastering on the most expensive concealer and foundation you own, you open the door to your Mother and the first thing she says is “You look tired”.
  2. The sight of the dog hairs smothering the boot of your car makes you want to bash the dog over the head with the spare tyre. And you love the dog more than life itself.
  3. You can’t bare to look in the mirror because you don’t recognise the woman looking back at you.
  4. You start looking for random signs that everything is going to be alright.”If I see a yellow car in the next two minutes everything will be fine’
  5. That flowery top that made you look like a hippy chick last week, now makes you look like Iggle Piggle.
  6. The trousers, that made you feel like her from Flashdance last week, now make you feel like Waynetta.
  7. You want to be alone but you want someone to hug you.
  8. You’re glad someone has hacked your email because now no one can contact you.
  9. You want to marry your flannelette sheets.
  10. You get into bed and put a huge big invisible brick wall between you and your husband but when he rolls over and starts snoring, you cry yourself to sleep ’cause he doesn’t fancy you anymore.
  11. The sight of the cutlery draw makes you want to murder someone.
  12. You hate playing games and if the rest of the family try to have fun, you sit with a face like a torn ar*e  until they’re miserable too.
  13. You only like wearing your comfy knicks. And your comfy trackies. And that old comfy bra. But you hate how you don’t look anything like her from Flashdance when she had her comfies on.
  14. You cry.
  15. You wish you had a passion for Vietnamese food, but you don’t. You want creamy blue cheese pasta. And lots of it. With garlic bread.
  16. You swear at the kids and don’t care.
  17. You cry. For swearing at the kids.
  18. You apologise and then before you’ve even finished the sentence, you begin justifying yourself and telling the other person that actually it was their fault.
  19. You want to smash your husbands face in, because. Just because. Or…
  20. You cling onto your husband’s arm like a baby chimpanzee. Begging him never to leave you. Not even to go and make a cup of tea.
  21. You wonder if those hormone tablets will work.
  22. You cry because they don’t.
  23. The first thing you do when you go into the lounge is plump the cushions up.
  24. You refer to your house as ‘who’s going to clean this pit up?’ when really it’s a beautiful home.
  25. You want to go to bed.
  26. You want to backpack around the world.
  27. You’ll be glad when the kids leave home.
  28. You want another baby.
  29. You wish you just felt normal.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe PMT is all in my head but it sure as hell feels real to me.

If you are battling with hormones and have found a solution, even just an iddy, biddy, diddy one, please let me know. Pleeease. I won’t track you down a kill you I promise. Until then, I’m away to my bed with my fennel oil and my flannelette sheets. And if that doctor is under my pillow, well. I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to bash his head in.

IMG_0129
I love her and all that, but dogs, hairs and PMT? No.

You Baby Me MummyBridie By The Sea

 

Pink Pear Bear

 One Messy Mama
My Random Musings

Mother of TeenagersMy Random Musings

48 thoughts on “Living with Hormones. Surviving on Hormoans.”

  1. What a brilliant piece of writing! I usually give up half way when I try to read longer blog posts (low boredom threshold lol!) but you had me riveted from start to finish 😃 I’ve also suffered from PMT, for as long as I can remember, and it’s a BITCH!! I find swimming helps. A bit. That’s it…that’s all I’ve got… x

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  2. Oh my god I am soooo sorry I said you looked tired!! Now I am crying my eyes out because I’m a shit mother who upsets her beautiful daughter by making stupid comments……..hormones?xxx You always look bloody amazing anyway!xxx

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  3. Oh. My Word. I’m sat reading this, or should I say trying to read this because my REALLY ANNOYING husband (who actually just really loves spending time with me – goodness knows why!?) is talking to me at the same time and I actually just want to snap his head in my laptop and jump on it! Yes I have PMT. I hate it! I hate it how it turns me into a psycho and then I have to cry about it for 2 days. I too have worked through the pills and you’ll be glad to know I have a solution!!! Acupuncture! I have it every 3 months and it gradually creeps back but for 2 months life is bliss and in the third month (this month) I start showing green patches through my clothes (think Hulk). So, what I’ve learnt : When you hit 40 your hormone levels should naturally decrease gradually until you properly hit the change, but if you’ve always suffered with PMT then they won’t do you the favour of ebbing and flowing, they’ll peak and trough and it’s the peaking and troughing will cause the symptoms. Am I making sense? So basically acupuncture levels hormones out. It turns the peaks and troughs into ebbs and flows – like a lovely hippy in a swirly skirt. I have thought about buying my own needles on the black market because I know the points off by heart now but I’m too wuss – I’ll get an infection or something. But, I did think about trying to just poke the spots – a bit of homemade Shiatsu. In fact thats what I’m going to do right now. I’m sorry this message was so long, but I do consider myself an expert in this field! 😉 Actually, it’s just so nice to hear someone describe my life so perfectly! (by the way – my lovely hubby, who I love so dearly, has just gone to play golf and I actually danced around the room and shouted ‘Yesss!’ at the thought of some me time! You’ll find me hugging the postie in the next half hour!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Alex, thank you!! I’ve never tried acupuncture but I definitely will now. It’s night time in NZ now but I tell you what, in the morning I’m phoning up. Can you promise that you are as crazy as me?? You look really nice in your photo…ok, I trust you. What have we got to lose??! Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me, I really appreciate that. I’m so with you on the me time too! I’ll let you know, liz x

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  4. Of course it’s bloomin real! And like all things it’s different for everyone. I honestly think a lot of women don’t even realise what it is when it’s happening. I didn’t until my 30s and even now it catches me off guard! I seem to forget most months and I’m in a stinking foul mood for s day to three days and so so angry, then bam, period, and I realise why I was so evil!

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  5. I’m a rght real bitch when it comes to the few days before my period. Since I was 12. Nothing helps. I hate myself, the world and everyone in it. Sorry, I’m no help.
    X

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  6. Brilliant writing as always! I can also reassure you that it is not in your head as I suffer from the mighty beast that is PMS. Once it was so bad that I started crying in the wine aisle because my husband picked up the wrong wine. Yep, not a good look! #FridayFrolics

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  7. I feel your pain Liz. Although I am lucky that mine only lasts 2 days. But it’s two days of irrational crazy tears. I’ such bad company that I don’t even want to be with myself. I think I would have twatted the doctor who told you it didn’t exist! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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    1. Hahaha! That’s exactly what my mum said when I told her! Lucky for him, he got ‘weepy liz’ and not ‘psychotic Liz’ in his surgery that day…😕 thanks for the comment! X

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  8. Can’t believe anyone would say PMT isn’t real. It is! I suffered with it for years, though not as severely as yourself, but it is still very unpleasant. No idea if it’s any help to you, but my hormones settled right down after having the Marina Coil fitted. Be kind to yourself, you’re not alone #bigpinklink x

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    1. Thank you Jeremy, lovely to hear a male perspective. You scaredy pants… come into the lounge and plump some cushions, you can always use one to hide behind…😉 thanks for reading! Liz

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  9. oh my word this made me howl – not sure from laughing with you or from hormoans!! The remedy section had me laughing out loud! Oh the joys of them hey? And to anyone who says PMT isn’t real – well stick them in a room of pre menstrual women and we will see how they like that!! #TweenTeensBeyond

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  10. Oh it’s a bitch isn’t it? Mine is getting worse as I approach the menopause and it seems like little black cloud has settled over my head. I loved your description – brilliant. I’m really sorry that you’ve had to suffer this for so long though! Sorry I can’t offer any suggestions for treatments but I’m pretty sure that having another baby is NOT one of them…not for me any way LOL! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

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  11. You are definitely not alone on this one!! Me and every woman I know have this PMT discussion all the time. It’s so annoying, one minute your feeling fine then the next your either blubbing your heart out because a Save The Children Advert came on the telly, or wanting to rip your partners head off because he asked you if you wanted peas instead of beans. I always know when the time of the month is looming as things that wouldn’t generally annoy me (like children jumping on sofa’s) turn me into a Devil whirwind Lucifer demon. The struggle is real 😦 xx Nicky #DreamTeam

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  12. I’m going to have to write this comment and run…I’m another one of those evil bitches who has never had PMT, or even cramps. I’m a freak of nature. Sorry! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

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  13. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. I always used to get a bit moody a couple of days before my period but that was pretty much it. And since going on the pill, I don’t get that any more either.
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes 🙂
    Debbie

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  14. I relate to this so much!! I always think it’s down to anxiety but actually, I think you might be right because sometimes I am absolutely fine! I could have written this though, down to the rage and swearing at the children! I’m going to print it off for my husband to read. Thanks for linking up with the #bigpinklink this week.

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  15. You know I think I may have this too, I have VERY similar symptoms three days beforehand. It’s only after baby that I have noticed the massive increase of hormone levels now, what happened?!? Damn babies lol. Thanks for sharing with #GlobalBlogging!

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  16. Liz I have raged about my hormones on my blog so much and it is so wonderful to find someone else on my wavelength. I have suffered terribly since having children so 18 years of hell with my PMS/PMT. My absolute must haves are Vitamin B Complex, Evening Primrose Oil, Bach’s Rescue Remedy, NightTime Tea but my latest addition that has been life changing is bio-identical HRT – amazing. My husband says I am a much improved version of my former self. Can’t recommend it enough my love. #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. Oh Jo, at last! I tried Bach’s rescue but just wanted to drink the whole bottle…what is the HRT thing called?? I need it now. Thanks for your advice my friend x

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