Judging someone for being judgmental is like watching a dog chase its tail around in circles endlessly. It is a pointless exercise. You will never bite off the tail.
Dear judgmental person,
I am trying really hard not to judge you for what you said about me. I know that judging you for being judgmental of me, is like driving a car down a dead end street while six cars are tailing you. I’m trying intently not to do it.
But it’s bloody hard.
It Hurts to Be Judged. But it Hurts More to Be Judgmental.
It’s human nature to want people to like you. Especially if you are a people pleaser. Like me. Remember though, it’s impossible to please everyone. Judging judgmental behaviour is like laughing at a cruel joke because everyone else is doing so and you don’t want to be the bore in the room. Instant gratification followed by a feeling of depletion.
From the Moment You are Born, People Judge You.
Your parents judge you. I know this because I am a mother and I judge. I hate that I do it, but I do.
We are judged on our manners, judged by the teacher at school, judged as a teenager, judged in our job, judged as a parent, judged as a wife. Judged as a friend, as a grandmother, as a pet owner.
We all have people in our lives who like to judge us. You know who they are. They’re the ones who make your stomache clench as they ask you, ” what you’ve been up to?”
The people that bring out a voice in you that is light and jibbery, that make you babble on about crap, quickly trying to change the subject. Hoping they’ll talk about someone else. And not you.
Dear judgmental person,
I’ve tried hard to please you. I’ve sought to prove my worth to you so that you will keep your mouth shut about me. Not make me feel like the failing person that I already seem to spend my life believing that I am. I try and jump through all the right hoops, but it’s in vain.
What’s Another Name for Judgmental Behaviour?
Fear. Fear with a fancy title. I know this because I am a mother. I know this because the times when I am the most judgmental are the times when I am shit scared. Insecure. I cling to that cloak and hold it to me for dear life. Hoping that somehow it will protect me. Stop others from seeing the scared, uncertain woman beneath.
Fear that we are not perfect. Fear that others will think less of us for not being perfect.
Deep down I’m very easy going about my children, my life, my choices. They are gorgeous, I trust them, what they choose to do with their lives is fine by me. Mostly. BUT. What I am afraid of, is what other people will think of them.
Don’t ask me why, if I knew the answer to that I’d stop doing it. Immediately. But I don’t, and that’s when judgmental behaviour kicks in. Those of you who read this blog will know how I battle with being judgmental towards my teenagers.
What You Can Expect to Be Judged Upon:
Your nose is too big, you’re not pretty.
Your bum is too fat, you’re a lazy sod.
You eat meat, you’re cruel.
You’re a vegetarian or a vegan, you’re weird.
Your teeth are yellow, you’re dirty.
Your teeth are too white, you bleach them, you’re vain.
You passed your exams, you’re an annoying little swot.
You failed your exams, you’re a druggy drop out.
You don’t want kids, you’re selfish.
You had 6 kids, you’re a drain on society.
You send your kids to private school, you are breeding a pretentious snob.
You homeschool your children, you are breeding an unsocialized weirdo.
You went back to work, you’re a selfish bitch.
You stayed at home, you’re pathetic.
You have a job, you never see your kids.
You’re on the social, your kids won’t want to spend time with you.
You drink too much wine, you’re an alcoholic.
you don’t drink wine, you need to loosen up.
You are heterosexual you are eyeing up my husband.
You are gay, you are doing it for attention.
You’re depressed, you’re weak.
You’re happy, you’re fake.
You breastfeed, you’re smug.
You bottle feed, you’re a witch.
You stand at the school gates, you’re a helicopter mother.
You wait in the car, you’re a lazy arsed cow.
You’re ambitious, you’re cocky.
You’re easy going, you’re pathetic.
You dye your hair, you’re mutton dressed as lamb.
You go grey, you’ve let yourself go.
You kiss your kids, you are a pervert,
You don’t kiss your kids you’re emotionally scaring them.
You travel the world, you can’t settle.
You stay at home, you’re narrow-minded.
Why Do People Judge Us?
Fear. Pointing things out to you so that your attention won’t be drawn to all of their terrors and insecurities.
I know this because I am a Mother. And as much as I hate it, I judge.
I stay in bed too long in the morning, writing blog posts or checking emails. Then I spring out of bed and run around the house accusing everyone else of being lazy, judging them, telling them they should go to bed earlier and then maybe they would be able to get up on time. Hoping that they won’t notice that I wasn’t in the shower at 7 am. Fear. Please don’t judge me for being judgmental. I am just frightened of you seeing that I’m not perfect. That I get it wrong.
Can We Avoid Being Judged?
A big fat no.
I’ve tried. You’ve tried. My kids have tried. And anyway, who wants to live a life of plodding down the middle of the road? Straight down the centre, not daring to go on to the verge -even though a big fat truck is coming your way urging you to move over.
Who cares if people judge you? Let them. Be daring. Drive on the grass. Embrace it. You are going to be judged regardless, so you might as well enjoy it while you’re there.
Don’t shy away from being judged, just try and refrain from judging those that judge you.
Otherwise, it will never stop. You will never catch your tail.
What to Do When someone Judges You.
Don’t meet judgement with anger, meet it with empathy. With kindness.
Those words of judgment are but an expression of the speaker’s insecurities and fear.
Fear of not getting ‘it’ right. Fear of being seen to get ‘it’ wrong. ‘It’ meaning all manner of things. Nobody knows what the ‘it’ is. People just don’t want to get ‘it’ wrong. Please be comfortable in your own skin.
Dear judgmental person,
Go ahead. Judge me. Yesterday I was hurt and retaliated with my own judgment of you. Afterwards, I felt like the silly dog and the tail. But now I know you’re scared and a little bit insecure. And that’s ok. Because so am I.
Drop me a comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Liz x