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It’s not fair.

I won’t tell you what my mother used to retort with when I used to bellow this at her from the upstairs landing. All I’ll say was it involved a gentleman with no underpants who originated from Timbuktu. No PC parenting when I was a girl.

It’s not fair.

I’ve just had that unoriginal accusation hurled at me for not volunteering to be a taxi service at 9 o’clock tonight.

Tempted as I was to fire back about me having a bottle of Saviginion Blanc chilling in the fridge with my name on it, and how it had to be drunk by 8.30pm otherwise it would explode, and my head would fall off, my knickers would inflate, and the house would blow up. I didn’t.

I wasn’t given a chance. Instead, I was treated to a complimentary door slam and an “oh forget it” for dessert.

As a matter of fact Missy, yes, I’d like to do just that and forget it. But, I’m not like a snap chat thingymabob. 10 seconds glory and then snap! Ready to move on. No. I’m still here. Seething. Old people never forget, remember that.

Slam.

PLEASE. Stop slamming the bloody doors.

You see my cherub, here’s the thing. We didn’t go for the expensive option on doors when we were building this house. Being on a budget we went for the cheaper ones. The naughty builder didn’t think to warn us that in 6 years time those same doors would be slammed approximately 1007 times a day.  You were only 7 when we built the house, and the only thing you used to do to the doors back then was stick ‘I love you mummy’ pictures on them with chewing gum.


It’s not fair.

As I sit outside sulking, hunched over my laptop with the smelly blue fleecy blanket wrapped around my shoulders -freezing but too proud to go inside, I think of all of the things that I think aren’t fair.

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Open that God Slam Door lady. Heres a few “It’s not fairs” of my own.

  • It’s not fair…that you don’t go to bed at 7 pm anymore.
  • It’s not fair…that I did 3 sets of lunges yesterday and now I’m walking as though I’m riddled with arthritis.
  • It’s not fair…that I’m acquiring jowls.
  • It’s not fair…that  I can’t turn my phone off at the hairdressers in case you need to know where the green felt tip pen is.
  • It’s not fair…that there’s not enough fibre in a bowl of crunchy nut cereals for my bowels to function properly
  • It’s not fair…that just when I get my head around something the new version comes out.
  • It’s not fair…that the cat keeps pi**ing in the plant pot.
  • It’s not fair…that I haven’t been able to clean the bathroom for over two weeks.
  • It’s not fair…that I haven’t got a cleaner to clean the bathroom.
  • It’s not fair… that the only time I get to read my phone book is in the filthy bathroom.
  • It’s not fair…that I don’t want to cook dinner again this week.
  • It’s not fair…that we can’t afford a takeaway for 4 people.
  • It’s not fair…that I threw away that little rubber thing off the Hoover, and now the handle keeps collapsing when I push down too hard.
  • It’s not fair…that other parents never argue with their kids.
  • It’s not fair…that other parents get to go out late, and their children don’t even phone them to check up on them.
  • It’s not fair…that I hate going out at night. Anywhere. But sometimes I have to to prove that I’m still young.
  • It’s not fair…that the recycle bin stinks of curdled milk.
  • It’s not fair…that I can’t find a washing powder that makes my whites white and not grey.
  • It’s not fair…that I can’t find a toothpaste that makes my teeth white and not yellow.
  • It’s not fair…that it’s not cool in New Zealand to have a tan
  • It’s not fair…that, as a result, I look like death warmed up.
  • It’s not fair…that a glass of wine has the same amount of calories as a cheese and ham toastie.
  • It’s not fair…that since I started homeschooling you 6 years ago, I’ve had cheese and ham toasties for my lunch nearly every day.
  • It’s not fair…that you look beautiful in your glasses, but I look like Fiona from Shrek in mine.

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  • It’s not fair…that the blue fleecy blanket is too big to go into the washing machine and that’s why it stinks.
  • It’s not fair…that when your brother has his head phones on he pretends he can’t hear me, even though they haven’t developed such advanced noise blocking headphones and if they had they wouldn’t be $69 from the Wharehouse.
  • It’s not fair…that when your bedrooms are tidy, you leave the door closed but when they look like something that a dog wouldn’t sleep in you insist the door is kept wide open.
  • It’s not fair…that it’s not fair. End of.

Right, that’s it then. Rant over. Do you have any it’s not fairs you’d like to share? Leave a comment below x

Oh, hang on, one more…

It’s not fair that I’ve given in about the taxi ride.

 

 

 

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