You may not be aware of this, but all mothers attended parenting school.
Whether you remember or not is a different matter.
School started when they lifted baby off your chest to cut the umbilical cord. School ended when they placed baby- this time wrapped in a blanket, back onto your tummy or into the bassinet next to you.
Approximately 2.8 minutes.
That was your lot.
I hope you were paying attention ladies and didn’t just mutter ‘don’t bother telling me, I’ll figure it out as I go along’ because you know as well as I do that this is the fool’s way.
The romantic, birth induced, euphoric, Silly Billy way.
If you were a real mummy and listened attentively, you would not have missed the core part of the curriculum.
The 3 Rs of Parenting School. Hard Core Style.
None of your anzy panzy subject choices back when we were students.
No. If you knew your 3 R’s, you were guaranteed to graduate with a substantial parenting degree.
For those of you rebels who, when baby was lifted from your tummy rolled over and slurred, “WTF just happened?? Get me off this soaking wet beanbag,”
I am here to give you a speed lesson on what you missed. This time, pay attention, please.
Parenting School #1. Reading. Routine:
Think back to before the days of children. When you had a life.
Remember?
Try.
Try again.
There you go.
Routine will no doubt have played a role in your life. We all like a bit of routine. It makes us feel safe and comfortable.
I’m talking routine along the lines of “Oh I always go to Pizza Express on a Wednesday when I work late” or, “funny how you always massage my left foot first”.
That sort of routine.
But. Once you become a parent, suddenly, like every other frigging thing that you possess, your mundane little routine no longer belongs to you.
The children. They steal it. Kidnap your routine and mould it into their own.
Baby’s Bedtime Routine,
And no. I’m not talking about the candles and Enya routine of old. This here is baby’s bedtime routine (if you’re lucky).
Turn the musical thingy on above the cot, creep out of the door, stand outside the room for two minutes, don’t breathe, make it down five steps.
Stop. You coughed. He’s crying. You idiot.
Repeat. Six times.
Nap Time Routine.
Quick! Clean the bathroom, puree the baby slop, phone your mum, go to the toilet. No time? Phone your mum on the toilet, kick the grit behind the toilet brush. Wipe around the toilet seat with pee-soaked toilet paper. (Yuck) There. Cleaning sorted.
We aren’t called multi- taskers for nothing.
The Dreaded Meal Time Routine.
God help you if you haven’t got that high chair up and spoon at the ready, hovering, before 5 pm.
Wrong coloured bib? Tut.Tut. Forget it.
Just throw the dinner on the floor. It’s where it’s going to end up anyway.
Junior Age Routine.
Moving swiftly on to the junior age.
Swimming. Every Tuesday afternoon. Watching other people’s kids flap about like drowning halfwits in the pool, all the while thinking ‘it’s Wednesday. I should be having a glass of white wine and some garlic bread at Pizza Express.’
Teenage Routine (If There is Such a Thing).
Bringing us to the teens.
All of those years spent perfecting the art of turning in early with a hotty (the water bottle kind, unfortunately) ready to bounce out of bed to watch cartoons at 7 am; the routine card plays a cruel trick on us Mothers.
As the Mother of teenagers, you are now expected to be wide awake at 11.30.
At night.
Get a shower for God’s sake. What’s wrong with you?
You’re soo boring.
Sing! Really loud!
It doesn’t have to be anything good; just any annoying tune will do.
Or, why not sigh and slam doors? Either way, you had better not be thinking of going to bed you pathetic old git.
Parenting School #2 Writing Restriction
Restricted by Baby.
The baby years are restricting in more ways than you know possible.
Be prepared.
No more grown-up treats for you my girl. Yes, I know, you like to tuck into the second bottle of Merlot on a Friday evening, but think of the baby. He might need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t look right, would it? You, rolling out the back of a taxi at the emergency entrance, swigging from a bottle of Calpol.
No. Have a cup of tea and watch telly instead.
Restricted by Those of Junior Years.
After years spent listening to the wheels on the bus for the duration of every car journey, the junior years bring something of a light relief.
We are now, it seems, allowed to tune into the radio. Don’t get too excited though; it’s only to the station that plays teeny boppy music. And please, don’t embarrass yourself (or them) by singing along. Just shut your mouth and drive.
And don’t look in the mirror and smile while she’s singing in the back with her friends either. That’s so uncool.
Restricted by Your Teenagers.
Had you paid attention at parenting school you will know that the classification R on DVDs does indeed stand for Restriction. Parental Restriction.
That box set of ‘The Tudors’ that’s been sitting under the telly for years? It’s Restricted. Don’t believe for one minute that just because your teenager is in his room, doing stuff, he won’t come wandering in at the precise moment where Henry takes Ann Boleyn for a romp in the orchard. He will. And as fit as you think you are, even you can’t get to the remote that quickly.
There’s nothing more unattractive than a sexed-up old couple watching porn. Where’s that Only Fools and Horses DVD you got for Christmas?
Put it on.
Parenting School #3 Arithmetic. Responsibility:
The word that sends shivers down any young, free and single girls spine. Responsibility. This one is just too laborious to bore you with. But know this. As the parent of a baby, are held responsible for everything.
Responsible For Baby.
Babys’ head too pointy. You pushed too hard.
Food? It had better be homemade.
Drink? Those cups are bad for his teeth.
Tired? Your fault.
Hyper? Your fault.
Clothes? Too hot.
Nappy? Too tight. (And I hope it’s made of cotton and organic bamboo)
Poo? Too yellow. I mean…
E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
Middle Years. The Responsibility Takes Full Speed
As they grow into the middle years, bestowed upon you is the responsibility of arranging social get-togethers for your little darlings.
Oh, the joy.
No matter that the last social gathering you went to was the sausage sizzle tombola at the supermarket car park. Never mind that now. Your needs can wait.
You will arrange clubs and activities. Sleepovers and birthday parties, Halloween tours and Easter egg trails. And playdates. Loads of friggin’ playdates.
Overtired kids with allergy problems coming to your house to play destroy it – demanding snacks. Preferably organic rice cake ones.
Teenage Responsibility. Take it. Who Else Will?
Arriving at the teenage years. Be careful here. It gets tricky. You will find yourself participating in the sick and twisted teenage game of: ‘I think I’m going mental’.
Although you are still very much responsible for your teenager (someone has to be), you have to p-r-e-t-e-n-d not to be. Got it? To add to the confusion, when you do make them happy you will never, ever be given the honour of knowing it.
It is now your responsibility to spend every waking moment pleasing your teenager. Please understand, It’s what you were born for. It’s the law.
Better get the revision books out for the final one.
It’s on page 201.Chapter heading: ‘For heaven’s sake, haven’t you learnt yet?’
The (sort of) responsible way to keep a teenager happy. Ok. Here goes.
Wifi. A computer, a set of headphones, a thick pair of curtains, your absence and a pile of food in said teenagers room.
In fact, just wheel the fridge into his bedroom.
Perfect. Class dismissed.
He’d probably get through this lot in a couple of days…
Yup, life will never be the same again thanks to these 3 rs! I am not looking forward to the Rs of the teens arghhhh! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub with this xoxo
Thanks so much for reading! X
I wish I’d read this before having mine! I found myself nodding along to most. Thank you also for warning me what to expect when my tween becomes a teen. I’m scared ? Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime ?
Haha!! Maybe yours will be one of those rare ones who are as good as gold?? I thought that about my two…oh well …! Thanks so much for reading! X
This is genius! The one about PRETENDING you’re not responsible for your teen, whilst simultaneously BEING responsible for your teen made me laugh, and it DOES seem mightily unfair that you suddenly have to go from ridiculously early mornings to ridiculously late nights as your kids hit the teen years! #stayclassymama
It’s like being locked into some crazy online mind game Lucy! I do love the lie ins that we now get, although I’m so bloody knackered from being kept up all night, I need them! X
I laughed out loud reading this – actually spat out my lime and soda (because you know, I’d hate to have had too many Sav Blancs to be able to drive them to hospital should I need to…)
Brilliant – every Mum should read this. And Dad too for that matter!
Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub
Thank you so much for that lovely comment! Even now it crosses my mind “what if they got ill? I’m so pissed!!” Oh dear …. ? liz. X
You bring back memories I had long forgotten!!! Brilliant!
So true all of it. we say our life can be like groundhog day somethimes. We do the same thing at exactly the same time of day and I think it benefits us more than the kids sometimes hahaha #stayclassymama
It’s true Sarah! Thanks so much for reading! X
I can see a world of disappointment in my teenager’s future! So true, all of it …
Hahaha!! There must be something to look forward to? Anything? No? Oh ok then…? Thanks so much for reading! X
Hahaha, I had better invest in a fridge with wheels pronto then! #FridayFrolics
You’d better had I reckon! Thanks so much for reading! X
Oh no, the teenage years scare the life out of me!!! You got the 3 R’s spot on though!! Laughed out loud, literally! #ablogginggoodtime
Thank you Aleena! X
Fabulous and true! #GlobalBlogging
Thanks Heather! X
ha ha just brilliant and as a mum of three teens you’ve got that part spot on. Love the part about just wheeling the fridge into their room! So funny #BigPinkLink
Thank you! Honestly, I spend my life screaming ” don’t eat THAT!” Maybe it would be easier if it were in his bedroom then I could just slide a note under his door saying “can I have an egg?” Thanks so much for reading! X
ha ha ha!!
this is so spot on, going from having the little ones to now having two juniors and a teen I can totally relate, you seriously captured it perfectly, loved every bit of this #globalblogging
Some of this I know to be true, some of it I know I am going to learn to be true! My eldest is 7 and is suddenly very aware of his appearance, choosing his own clothes and wanting a different hairstyle. It is both cute and heart breaking! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
Thanks for having me! X
Lol! Ah, I can’t wait for the teenage years. My girls are already embarrassed by me at 8 and 9!
The routine part of your article reminded me of when my oldest was a baby. I used to have to start her bedtime routine at 5:00 to get her to bed by 7:00! What on Earth was I doing?! Lol! #thelistlinky
Yes! Me too??!! Thanks so much for reading! X
Absolutely brilliant and spot on!! These are definitely the lessons I should have learned and paid more attention to in my transition to parenthood. Im slightly terrified for the teenage years 🙂 xx #bigpinklink
I’m not gonna lie to you girl… it’s not easy! ?? Thanks so much for reading! X
one of the more accurate portrayals of parenting a teenager I’ve read! #fridayfrolics
Thank you Jeremy!
Ha ha, I think you nailed it perfectly!
#TheListLinky
Thank you Alana!
Brilliant. Pretty certain I have been winging it for almost 5 years but I think I’m pretty good at my 3 R’s. Perhaps I DID learn something at some point….. #DreamTeam
Top of the class for you my girl ?at least one of us did! Thanks so much for reading! X
Haha – so true! Glad to know that thing when you’re a teen and no matter how innocent your programme was seconds before it will suddenly be a sex scene when your parents enter the room also happens in reverse for the parents! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics
Oh you’re right! My son is always saying that to me ?
what? it gets worse during the teenage years? NO!!!!!!!! This is great and the “There’s nothing more unattractive than a sexed up old couple watching porn.” made me LOL. Thank you for linking up with #StayClassyMama
Thanks so much for reading! X
This is so true! It’s routine that gets to me. I love it, in that the kids know what to expect during the day and that our bedtimes usually run pretty smoothly, thanks to a good routine. I hate the monotony of it though and would love to stick to fingers up to routine at least twice daily! #bloggerclubuk
Oh… routine. Drives me insane out of all of them! Thanks so much for reading! X
A great post – very funny! My routine now consists of: waking up the teens, saying ‘no’ to their ever more dodgy requests (usually involving alcohol), trying to get them to eat my food as opposed to just pushing it around their plates then hiding it in a lump, and attempting to get them to go to bed at a reasonable time WITHOUT THEIR PHONES – phew! #TweenTeensBeyond
I’m with you 100%! X
Brilliant as always! I crave the routine and dread the responsibility. What was the other one?
#fridayfrolics
??
OMG the Tudor’s boxset bit. Hysterical! You brilliantly funny woman…why oh WHY do we become parents?! Lol. Love it. And I lvoe that fridge. #ablogginggoodtime
Because that’s what we were put on this earth to do…Remember?? That picture was taken when I’d just done the shopping. About 2 hours later? Empty.
Thanks for reading Prabs xx
OMG I’d end myself if I did all that shopping for it to last less than a day.
Oh wow, this is amazingly hilarious, and soul destroyingly accurate…!! Although mine are still preschoolers, I have friends with tweens and teens, who would identify with every word of what you said about that stage!! I never fully accepted my life being hijacked by painfully trying to instill and stick to a routine for my babies…! God the memories are so painful!!! I think this should be made an essential part of the bounty packs!
Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!
Haha! Don’t worry, yours might be angels! But if they are be sure to write to me in 10 years letting me know how the hell you did it !
Thanks so much for reading x
Hahah oh no he didn’t really walk in during that scene with Ann?? This made me LOL. Especially the parenting class we all take for 2.8 seconds haha, definitely feels this way. Thanks for sharing with #StayClassyMama!
I’m not kidding it was the longest orgasm in history … me, trying desperately to speak loud and look for the remote. Bloody nightmare! Thanks so much for reading x
OMG, you are so right! I haven’t made it to tween/teen yet, but so many ring true (swimming lessons anyone?!). Great post!
Thank you Emma! The dreaded swimming pool…! Thanks so much for reading! X
Haha I love this – so true! I have a 13 year old and I had thought it would get easier with age, apparently not! With ten years between my first and fifth I’ve got a whole lot of time inbetween! #bigpinklink
I love reading about your adventures so I’d be keen to know! x
Hilarious! True!
Thanks so much for reading! X
Oh God, this is so true! Scarily, depressingly, hilariously true! I’m off to get the fridge ready to wheel in, as we seem to have skipped the tween and dived headlong into teen! #TheListLinky
Oh no! Good luck with that! ??
Thanks for linking up to #globalblogging
This is brilliant! I’m still in the world of little one routines at the moment but my nephew is 14 and I see all the changes there too for my sister! Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Good luck to your sister! I think every stage seems like the hardest when you’re going through it…?thanks for reading! X
Totally brilliant. Should be printed off and pinned up in every delivery room. Loved the bit about singing along to songs, I may have inadvertently done this at some time! Thanks so much for joining us at #TweensTeensBeyond
Thank you! X
Oh my gosh! Loved this !! haha! SO true! #globalblogging
Wiping the toilet seat!! You and how many of us!! God you speak for us all here. And thank heavens we could never get a fridge up the stairs! #tweensteensbeyond
Thank you Nicky! I’m glad it’s not just me!! X
Oh Liz never a truer word spoken or written! Particularly in relation to responsibility. Despite being 18 and a fully fledged adult I am still responsible apparently for many things for my eldest teen – but of course only when it suits and in certain areas otherwise I am just being nosey and interfering. The picture of the fridge made me laugh too as we have a constant battle in our house that despite my fridge being permanently full and then empty within 24 hours it never has anything nice to eat in it apparently! Thanks for linking Liz. #TweensTeensBeyond
Isn’t it the truth? Opens the fridge(wasting electricity ) then after 10mins says “have we got any noodles???” Arrgggh!
Haha just popping back from #blogcrush for a second read of this. Your description of the multi-tasking bathroom-cleaning made me laugh #blogcrush
Thank you Lucy xx